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Couple’s Recovery from Sexual Addiction: What You Need to Know About the Process

ByRachel McDonald

If you’re new to our website or our blog, at The Finding Place, we specialize in treating sexual addiction. Our certified sexual addiction therapists (CSATs) work with those ready to heal from their addiction, and our certified partner trauma therapists (CPTTs) work with the partners experiencing betrayal trauma.

How do I repair my marriage after the discovery of infidelity?

There are several terms commonly used in sexual recovery–Discovery is the point in time where everything fell apart. The addict’s problematic behaviors were discovered, and the partner found out how the addict has been acting out (e.g., porn, affairs, chronic masturbation, prostitution). Discovery typically involves deep shame for the addict and intense betrayal trauma for the partner as it breaks the trust between the couple.

This is typically the point in the process when the clients call us. Our therapists begin working with the couple both individually and together, and when a pattern of sobriety from acting out has been established, we will facilitate what’s called a therapeutic disclosure, which can be done with or without a polygraph (otherwise known as a lie detector test).

What is a therapeutic disclosure after the discovery of sexual addiction?

A therapeutic disclosure is a controlled and formal process to help heal the relationship between the addict and the partner. Whereas discovery breaks trust in a devastating instant, a therapeutic disclosure has the potential to rebuild it.

During a therapeutic disclosure, the addicted partner will write a disclosure letter that includes these five sections:

  • The purpose of the letter and the outcome the couple is working towards
  • A brief summary of sexual behaviors that predated the relationship
  • A description of betrayal events that happened during the relationship including each behavior, the frequency, and the duration
  • A estimate of how much time, money, and resources were spent on the problematic behaviors
  • And lastly, permission for the partner to set boundaries and practice self-care and a promise to respect those boundaries

(List adapted from Dr. Stefanie Carnes’ workbook Courageous Love: A Couple’s Guide to Conquering Betrayal)

The CSAT will guide the addicted partner through this letter-writing process, ensuring that the letter includes the correct level of detail and is not self-serving or manipulative. At this point, the addicted partner will typically take a polygraph test. 

Do I have to take a polygraph test?

While the polygraph is optional, it gives the betrayed partner added confidence that the addicted partner is not sugar-coating behavior or leaving anything out. 

Typically, the polygraph will include two questions from the CSAT: 

  • Have you been truthful in your disclosure letter?
  • Have you intentionally left anything out of the disclosure letter?

The betrayed partner can also request that specific questions be included during the polygraph.

What happens next in the therapeutic disclosure process?

Once the addicted partner has passed the polygraph and the CSAT is sure that the letter is complete and truthful, the addicted partner will read the disclosure letter to the betrayed partner in the presence of the CSAT and the CPTT so that everyone has the level of support they need.

The betrayed partner can then ask questions and will follow up by writing an impact letter describing the emotions they felt when hearing the disclosure letter. After the betrayed partner reads the impact letter, the addicted partner will then reply with an emotional restitution letter.

Should I tell my partner everything about my sexual addiction NOW?

I write this part to the betrayed partner: It’s completely natural and understandable for you to want to know at the moment of discovery everything your partner did to betray you. However, at that point in time, you will not be hearing the whole truth. You will be hearing bits and pieces of truth alongside half-truths and lies of omission. This kind of staggered disclosure has the potential to retraumatize you again and again and again, further destroying the trust you had in your partner and the trust you have in yourself, of what you know to be true.

Healing can’t happen when things are hidden, and addiction lives in secret. That’s why it is so important to formalize this process with CSATs and CPTTs who specialize in sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery.

The Finding Place Counseling offers mental health counseling in Little Rock, Arkansas, and custom therapy intensives that serve clients across the country. Visit our FAQ page then contact us to learn more.

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    Is Pornography Bad for My Marriage? What Couples Need to Know

    ByEmily Russ

    If you are asking this question, you are not alone. Many couples wonder how pornography fits into their relationship. Some people feel like it is not a big deal. Others feel deeply hurt by it. You may even feel confused because you are not sure what to think.
    The truth is, there is not one simple answer. Pornography affects every relationship differently. What matters most is how it is impacting trust, emotional safety, and connection between you and your partner.
    Why This Question Comes Up in Marriage
    For many couples, pornography becomes an issue when it creates tension or distance. One partner may discover it and feel blindsided. Another may feel judged or misunderstood for using it.
    Even if both partners know about it, it can still bring up hard emotions. You might feel:
    Hurt or rejected
    Confused about what is normal
    Worried about your relationship
    Unsure how to talk about it
    These reactions are more common than people realize. And they deserve attention, not dismissal.
    When Pornography Starts to Affect Connection
    Pornography is not just about what someone watches. It is about how it impacts the relationship.
    In some marriages, pornography becomes a private habit that replaces connection. Instead of turning toward each other, one partner turns away. Over time, this can create emotional and physical distance.
    In other cases, it changes expectations. Pornography often shows unrealistic bodies, reactions, and experiences. This can lead to comparison or disappointment, even if no one says it out loud.
    When this happens, intimacy can start to feel strained instead of natural.
    The Impact of Secrecy
    One of the biggest issues couples face around pornography is secrecy. When something is hidden, it can feel like a betrayal when it comes to light.
    The pain is often not just about the pornography itself. It is about the loss of trust.
    You may find yourself asking:
    “What else do I not know?”
    “Can I trust my partner?”
    “Is our relationship real?”
    These questions can feel overwhelming. They can also trigger deeper emotional responses, especially if trust has been broken in the past.
    Why This Can Feel So Personal
    If you are the partner who feels hurt, you might take this very personally. You may wonder if you are not enough or if your partner is no longer attracted to you.
    These thoughts can be painful, but they are also very human.
    If you are the partner who uses pornography, you may feel ashamed or defensive. You might not have intended to hurt your partner, and now you feel stuck between your behavior and their pain.
    Both experiences matter. Both deserve to be understood.
    The Role of Shame and Silence
    Many couples avoid talking about pornography because it feels uncomfortable. It can feel easier to ignore it or hope it goes away.
    But silence usually makes things worse.
    When there is no conversation, each person fills in the gaps on their own. Assumptions grow. Resentment builds. Emotional distance increases.
    Shame can also keep couples stuck. One partner may feel ashamed for their behavior. The other may feel ashamed for being upset about it.
    Shame shuts down connection. Honest conversation opens the door to healing.
    What Healthy Conversations Can Look Like
    Start with curiosity instead of blame. This can often be challenging for a partner because of the intense betrayal they may be experiencing. Try focusing on how each of you feels rather than trying to prove a point.
    You might explore questions like:
    “How is this affecting our relationship?”
    “What do we need to feel safe and connected?”
    “What moral standards are important to each of us?”
    These conversations can feel vulnerable, but they are an important step toward rebuilding trust and closeness.
    When It Becomes a Bigger Concern
    Sometimes pornography use may start to interfere with daily life or the relationship in noticeable ways.
    This can include:
    Using pornography to cope with stress or emotions
    Feeling unable to stop or cut back
    Losing interest in real life intimacy
    Spending increasing amounts of time on it
    Keep secrets from my partner
    When these patterns show up, it may be a sign of a deeper struggle that needs attention and support.
    When to Seek Help
    If pornography is creating tension, confusion, or distance in your marriage, seeking therapy from a qualified specialist (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) is key and will feel different than just talk therapy alone.
    At The Finding Place Counseling in Little Rock, Arkansas, we offer couples therapy as well as sexual addiction recovery therapy. We understand that in order to treat the marriage, you also have to treat the underlying issues in each partner. Our team of therapists work together to provide exceptional therapy and gameplans for couples navigating pornography addiction, unwanted sexual behavior, and betrayal trauma.