Marriage Counseling Using Emotionally Focused Therapy

ByRachel McDonald

At The Finding Place Counseling, several of our therapists are licensed marriage and family therapists (MFTs) who are specially trained to see how family systems affect conflict in relationships. And while we hear hundreds of unique and individual stories from the couples we see, there are really just two reasons couples seek out marriage counseling. 

First, your day-to-day interactions are declining. The conflicts or annoyances in your relationship are becoming more intense, more frequent, or are lasting longer. Whether the disagreement is over your kids, in-laws, work, time, or money, you intuitively know that if you don’t do something, it will only get worse.

Secondly, you come to marriage counseling because something happened to affect trust in your relationship. This could be infidelity, secret keeping, or betrayal of another kind, but it often leads to “I don’t trust you. I can’t trust you. I’ll never trust you.”

Think back to your childhood for a moment. What did your parents model for you in the midst of conflict? Did you experience anger? Meanness? While those negative experiences do not define you in the present day, they may inform how you relate to yourself and others when you’re in distress.

In distress, you get reduced to survival mode. You get tunnel vision, the blood rushes to your face, and your body prepares for war. And because of what are called mirror neurons, your spouse senses they need to prepare for war as well and gets ready to defend themself. 

You want a healthy marriage, so how do you navigate the chaos of your distress, reconnect the disconnect, and find redemption, resolution, and reconciliation?

At The Finding Place Counseling, one of our marriage therapists likes to say, “You can’t fix what you can’t see. You can’t change what you don’t understand–meaning, what’s really happening in your heart, your soul, and your personhood. And the relationship can’t change if you can’t talk about what is really happening in a safer way.”

Many of our marriage therapists apply the principles of emotionally focused therapy (EFT) to help couples unpack their distress and find new and better ways to relate to each other. There are three stages to EFT: 

Stage One is Cycle Deescalation where you identify concerns and negative patterns of interaction. Your EFT therapist then helps you begin to access your underlying fears and emotions.

Stage Two is Changing Interaction Patterns. During this stage, you have the opportunity to work together to change the very DNA of your relationship. You learn to access and express your attachment needs and deeper emotions as well as accept your partner’s needs and emotions with compassion. 

Stage Three is Consolidation and Integration. Here, you learn to use new ways to talk about old problems and develop new solutions together to resolve and avoid future stressors.

Why is EFT so effective? As you learn to communicate in a safer way, you begin to relax, and it becomes easier to take a risk with your heart. As your spouse recognizes and honors the risks you’re both taking, trust begins to grow. As trust grows, you and your spouse can take more risks, and a better, more positive cycle can emerge. There will be setbacks along the way, but with time, you will be able to successfully navigate the minefield of marriage.

At The Finding Place, we offer weekly and bi-weekly marriage counseling as well as 3-day intensives that incorporate EFT and other modalities like Brainspotting. For marriages in high distress–your marriage is a car that just hit a wall at 100 miles per hour, the destruction is massive, and you need an ambulance NOW–intensives are the better choice. Intensives allow you to get resolution quicker because there’s no time between hourly sessions for things to become worse. 

And though the work is hard and often involves pain, shame, vulnerability, and emotional exhaustion, with the help of an imminently qualified therapist with years of experience, there’s also tremendous hope. Let us help you get to the other side.

The Finding Place Counseling and Recovery is located in Little Rock, Arkansas. We specialize in marriage counseling (including both secular and Christian marriage counseling), teen counseling, and treating trauma and PTSD using Brainspotting and EMDR. Contact us to schedule a session or book an intensive. 

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    Is Pornography Bad for My Marriage? What Couples Need to Know

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    If you are asking this question, you are not alone. Many couples wonder how pornography fits into their relationship. Some people feel like it is not a big deal. Others feel deeply hurt by it. You may even feel confused because you are not sure what to think.
    The truth is, there is not one simple answer. Pornography affects every relationship differently. What matters most is how it is impacting trust, emotional safety, and connection between you and your partner.
    Why This Question Comes Up in Marriage
    For many couples, pornography becomes an issue when it creates tension or distance. One partner may discover it and feel blindsided. Another may feel judged or misunderstood for using it.
    Even if both partners know about it, it can still bring up hard emotions. You might feel:
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    Confused about what is normal
    Worried about your relationship
    Unsure how to talk about it
    These reactions are more common than people realize. And they deserve attention, not dismissal.
    When Pornography Starts to Affect Connection
    Pornography is not just about what someone watches. It is about how it impacts the relationship.
    In some marriages, pornography becomes a private habit that replaces connection. Instead of turning toward each other, one partner turns away. Over time, this can create emotional and physical distance.
    In other cases, it changes expectations. Pornography often shows unrealistic bodies, reactions, and experiences. This can lead to comparison or disappointment, even if no one says it out loud.
    When this happens, intimacy can start to feel strained instead of natural.
    The Impact of Secrecy
    One of the biggest issues couples face around pornography is secrecy. When something is hidden, it can feel like a betrayal when it comes to light.
    The pain is often not just about the pornography itself. It is about the loss of trust.
    You may find yourself asking:
    “What else do I not know?”
    “Can I trust my partner?”
    “Is our relationship real?”
    These questions can feel overwhelming. They can also trigger deeper emotional responses, especially if trust has been broken in the past.
    Why This Can Feel So Personal
    If you are the partner who feels hurt, you might take this very personally. You may wonder if you are not enough or if your partner is no longer attracted to you.
    These thoughts can be painful, but they are also very human.
    If you are the partner who uses pornography, you may feel ashamed or defensive. You might not have intended to hurt your partner, and now you feel stuck between your behavior and their pain.
    Both experiences matter. Both deserve to be understood.
    The Role of Shame and Silence
    Many couples avoid talking about pornography because it feels uncomfortable. It can feel easier to ignore it or hope it goes away.
    But silence usually makes things worse.
    When there is no conversation, each person fills in the gaps on their own. Assumptions grow. Resentment builds. Emotional distance increases.
    Shame can also keep couples stuck. One partner may feel ashamed for their behavior. The other may feel ashamed for being upset about it.
    Shame shuts down connection. Honest conversation opens the door to healing.
    What Healthy Conversations Can Look Like
    Start with curiosity instead of blame. This can often be challenging for a partner because of the intense betrayal they may be experiencing. Try focusing on how each of you feels rather than trying to prove a point.
    You might explore questions like:
    “How is this affecting our relationship?”
    “What do we need to feel safe and connected?”
    “What moral standards are important to each of us?”
    These conversations can feel vulnerable, but they are an important step toward rebuilding trust and closeness.
    When It Becomes a Bigger Concern
    Sometimes pornography use may start to interfere with daily life or the relationship in noticeable ways.
    This can include:
    Using pornography to cope with stress or emotions
    Feeling unable to stop or cut back
    Losing interest in real life intimacy
    Spending increasing amounts of time on it
    Keep secrets from my partner
    When these patterns show up, it may be a sign of a deeper struggle that needs attention and support.
    When to Seek Help
    If pornography is creating tension, confusion, or distance in your marriage, seeking therapy from a qualified specialist (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) is key and will feel different than just talk therapy alone.
    At The Finding Place Counseling in Little Rock, Arkansas, we offer couples therapy as well as sexual addiction recovery therapy. We understand that in order to treat the marriage, you also have to treat the underlying issues in each partner. Our team of therapists work together to provide exceptional therapy and gameplans for couples navigating pornography addiction, unwanted sexual behavior, and betrayal trauma.