Today, we’re discussing mom guilt–what it is and how to free yourself from the cycle of shame. If you’re a mom, you no doubt already know what mom guilt is, but for everyone else, I’ll explain. Mom guilt is the guilt, shame, or inadequacy moms feel when we do not meet the expressed or subliminal expectations we have for ourselves in our role as a mother.
Where does mom guilt come from?
From a high-level view, mom guilt comes from our own expectations of what we should be like as mothers; the expectations of our spouse, friends, family, and society; and the unrealistic highlight reel that is social media.
Mom guilt can stem from working outside the home, not working outside the home, not being able to give our kids the things or experiences their friends have or that we feel like they deserve, not being patient enough, being on our phones too much, not being present enough, needing time away for ourselves, or struggling with our own mental health. It can also stem from perceived or potential criticism about what we feed our kids, what sports they play, who their friends are, what grades they make–the list is honestly endless.
Who experiences mom guilt?
Most moms experience mom guilt at some point, but those with childhood trauma are especially vulnerable to mom guilt, as they are trying so hard to break the problematic patterns of their past.
Maybe your mom or dad yelled at you in anger when you were a child or made your home feel unsafe, so you swore you would never yell when you became a mom. But now, the stressors of motherhood are bringing up anger inside you, and the moment you yell, you feel gutted.
Maybe your mom or dad weren’t there for you consistently when you needed them as a child, and you felt unseen and devalued. So you swore to yourself that your children wouldn’t feel the same way. But now that you have kids, you are juggling other responsibilities that make being fully present at all times physically impossible, and again, you feel gutted.
When this happens, mom guilt–”I am doing this wrong as a mom”–can turn into mom shame–”I am a bad mother.”
How do I get rid of my mom guilt?
Mom guilt is real, tangible, and heavy, but you don’t have to live a life characterized by feeling like a failure.
First, quiet the noise. Put down your phone. Log off social media. Now look at your family. Notice who your kids are and how they were made. Identify your core values, who you are as a person and a parent, and what goals you want for yourself and your family. Then commit to pursuing those goals and values independent of societal norms or others’ opinions.
But in this, also accept your humanity. You will make mistakes. You will have thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that go against your values or morality. But it’s not the end. Identify the mistake, seek reconciliation, and recommit.
Next, seek out like-minded moms in your season of life. Having a community of women who you can connect with and who will speak truth to you is invaluable in normalizing the struggles that come with being a mother. Having someone who knows you and loves you tell you it’s ok to lower your expectations is life giving. If everyone is fed and safe, it’s a good day.
And lastly, if there’s more–something deeper in the past that is still holding on–seek out a therapist with experience in freeing moms from guilt and shame brought on by childhood trauma and societal pressures. You may feel hardwired for certain reactions, but brain-body work like Brainspotting, somatic experiencing, and internal family systems (IFS) can rewire your brain, empowering you to make better choices and be a happier mom.
Release yourself from mom guilt. Martyrs don’t make better mothers, and the pressure to be the “perfect mom” will kill your ability to love yourself and your kids.
The Finding Place Counseling and Recovery is located in Little Rock, Arkansas. We have therapists on staff trained to help you identify and heal the root causes of mom guilt. Contact us to schedule a session or to book a custom intensive.
